Wakeful
by Lily Writer
Summary: (Shounen ai warning) several years after the Angel attacks, Shinji's dreams leave little to be desired.


A/N: This takes place a few years after third impact, with Asuka and Shinji still living together and working for the remodeled NERV.  
  
Warnings: Ok, shounen ai ahead, or rather, it's about as mild as ep. 24 was. That is, suggestive but in a fluffy way. Also a little sad, but if it has Shinji in it, it usually is. (Thankfully this isn't exactly the typical Shinji angst. I hope.)  
  
Wakeful  
  
He wakes up at midnight, just like yesterday and the day before that.  
  
He never quite knows why.  
  
There is a light beneath the door and he knows that it's midnight because it's Thursday and Thursdays are "late shift" days.  
  
From the next room he can hear a violin playing and it comforts him somewhat. The tune is hardly one fit for playing at midnight, but Shinji doesn't mind. It reminds him of his old SDAT player, now hardly used as often. Soon the music will stop and he will go to sleep and dream of something nice, or have another nightmare.  
  
These days, however, the nightmares are becoming faded. Shinji's been scared for so much of his life.now it just doesn't seem to matter as much as it used to. All the old pain and fear are slowly fading away with the years and he can almost believe that someday he'll smile all the time.  
  
Though it's not likely.  
  
The music has stopped while he wasn't paying attention and there are footsteps and the sound of running water and familiar humming. It seems that no matter what hour of day, there is always a bit of music in the house.  
  
And every bit of it means that Shinji is alive and well.  
  
Suddenly, there's something not quite right. He turns over again and bunches up the blanket, trying to get warm, because somehow Shinji knows that he should be warm and comfortable. The humming can't be heard through the blanket and the sound of running water is muted.  
  
It almost sounds like someone's talking.  
  
But then he finds a comfortable position, cuddled into the blanket, and it's warm enough to stick his head out and listen for approaching footsteps. Soon enough, just like he expected, the tap is turned off and the door slides open a crack. Light spills in from the hallway and Shinji can see a bit of hair pocking through.  
  
"Shinji-kun? Are you awake?" The voice is a whisper and Shinji barely hears it, but he catches the meaning and nodes slightly to show that he is.  
  
The door opens further and Kaworu walks in, wearing an old shirt that's much too long for him or anyone else Shinji knows. Sometimes, he wonders where Kaworu gets them from.  
  
His footsteps, in the room, are silent. He sits beside the bed and looks at Shinji for a while, trying to judge whether he's actually awake or not in the darkness that the light from the hall just doesn't seem to touch. Shinji nodes again, still wrapped in the blanket, and Kaworu seems satisfied and lies down beside him. He stays there for a moment, without moving, then scoots closer so they could cuddle.  
  
But Shinji only gets colder. He shivers a little without knowing why and tries to get warmer the only way he knows.  
  
Kaworu returns the hug and they stay like that, Shinji slowly warming up and enjoying himself. The room is dark and moonlight is streaming in through the window, illuminating silver hair and large red eyes that stare at him.  
  
.Bloody like the Sea of LCL.  
  
The cold comes again and Shinji tries to ignore it and cuddles closer, trying not to look at Kaworu's face. For some reason, he is afraid that if he looks into Kaworu's eyes he'll see something that he shouldn't.  
  
But the other boy is concerned and Shinji has to break the silence.  
  
"I liked that song." He says, lamely because it's late and he doesn't really want to talk much.  
  
Kaworu says thank you and mentions that it's one of his favorites because he heard it on the radio once. He tells Shinji where he got the music sheets and then drifts off, seemingly content.  
  
Shinji's content, too. Everything about Kaworu-kun makes him feel indeterminably better. The arms around him are finally warm and there's a hint of scentless breath on his face, very light and fluttery but calming.  
  
They lie there for a while, very quietly, until Shinji realizes that Kaworu is asleep, has been asleep for a while now. He lies there in the complete darkness, under warm blankets and against a warm chest and wonders why he can never be quite like Kaworu.  
  
Sometimes, Shinji imagines that in a few years he'll come home late from a hellish job and play a cheerful tune before falling asleep immediately, and do all of it while smiling confidently, just like Kaworu-kun.  
  
But mostly, he tries to believe that the way Kaworu lives is something that no one else should manage.  
  
Shinji closes his eyes and tries to sleep, not to think about anything in particular. Behind his eyelids, a movie is playing out about that one day a long time ago when he'd met an angel on the beach. He can see the lake and the pyramid that is NERV headquarters and it doesn't bother him as much as it used to.  
  
Outside of him, outside, even, of the warm circle that Kaworu's arms create, alarm bells are ringing and there's an undetermined feeling of fear that makes Shinji cringe. But if he closes his eyes hard enough it's alright and there's the familiar lake and Pyramid and the figure of a boy sitting on a rock.  
  
He drifts off eventually, feeling better than he did when he'd woken up.  
  
.  
  
.there's something.  
  
.He wakes up at midnight, just like yesterday and the day before that.  
  
He never quite knows why.  
  
There is a light beneath the door and he knows that it's midnight because it's Thursday and Thursdays are "late shift" days.  
  
These past few years have become more and more repetitive. Now, he even has a sort of routine to follow. Although he is no longer an Eva pilot, Shinji is still with the military. Mostly, it's because he doesn't know how to get them all to leave him alone and let him quit. Sometimes, Shinji draws his pictures and listens to the old SDAT player and wants to be an artist. But then, he's not very good and he knows way too much to leave the service without becoming another statistic.  
  
Asuka, having decided to stay with NERV as it was remodeled into a more practical application, sleeps in the room down the hall as she always has. The only difference Third Impact had brought was the distinct lack of beer in the fridge.  
  
Now, after nearly four years, Shinji can finally cope with saying it and not minding. Misato is dead because of him.  
  
Behind the door, there is the sound of Asuka showering and the TV talking. She's kept it on a music channel, very loud with repeating commercials. At one point there's a bit of a violin solo and Shinji likes the song. He's been hearing it all over the place because the band's become famous seemingly over-night.  
  
There's a particularly strong breeze from the window and Shinji bunches up the blankets, trying to get warm. Soon, the breeze lets up and the water stops running, meaning Asuka's finally ready for bed. He hears footsteps and then the door opens slightly. Asuka pokes her head in to see if he's awake and then closes the door and leaves.  
  
In the moonlit room, everything seems slightly magical. Sometimes Shinji wonders if the moon doesn't create ghosts of people instead of shadows, because out of the corner of his eyes, he can almost see a feather on the floor by his bed. When he turns his head, of course, it's gone and the room is just barely illuminated again.  
  
This happens often enough that Shinji doesn't mind.  
  
A hint of spring wind blows into the room. To Shinji, wrapped in the blanket and warm on all sides, it is only felt on his cheeks. The gentle breeze almost feels like breathing. He can almost imagine that there's someone else in the room with him.  
  
He lies still, trying to get to sleep and relax and forget but failing. Behind his eyelids, a movie is playing out about that one day a long time ago when he'd met an angel on the beach. He can see the lake and the pyramid that is NERV headquarters and it makes him want to cry but smile at the same time.  
  
He drifts off eventually, and the memory in his mind shifts into something more: so that everything turns out different. In his dreams, the years after Third Impact are lived out in a different apartment where he paints in the extra bedroom and plays his cello. Eventually, he stops waking up at midnight and starts developing a routine.  
  
.  
  
.He wakes up at midnight, just like yesterday and the day before that.  
  
He never quite knows why.  
  
There is a light beneath the door and he knows that it's midnight because it's Thursday and Thursdays are "late shift" days.  
  
Behind the closed door, Shinji hears a violin playing a cheerful tune. He smiles to himself in the darkness of his room, because he's become used to the dreams and the nightmares by now, and they don't bother him anymore.  
  
END 


End file.
